Now that the United States is sinking into authoritarianism and a swamp of incompetence, it’s a good time to brush up on the sorts of phrases that state media will start to throw your way. After all, understanding what’s being said might keep your ass out of the concentration camps.
So let’s start with:
Concentration Camps —This is a nasty phrase that the opposition uses to describe our beautiful prisons, which only house criminals who happen to oppose us or look funny or speak Spanish.
Protesters — Refers to very fine people, likely melanin-challenged, who are crushed by the unbearable burden of forgoing haircuts and being asked to wear face masks in public spaces. May also refer to nicely dressed melanin-challenged people who like to carry torches and burn crosses.
Thugs — Very nasty, horrible people who dislike our Dear Ruler and who have developed an allergy to being murdered. See also: Rioters, Looters, Antifa, and African Americans.
Antifa — This is a very nasty group that’s not really a group, who tend to go out and confront Protesters (see above), who are just exercising their freedom of speech. It turns out that every bad thing that happens in the U.S. is because of these nasty, awful people. See also: Rebel scum.
Chinese virus — Millions of communists who have become better at capitalism than we have.
No kneeling — This phrase is highly sensitive to context. It means that no citizen should kneel during the national anthem or protests. However, all citizens should and must kneel before their kindly Führer.
Law and order — Refers, very precisely, to the laws that our Great Leader approves of and a few he just wants to make up. Order comes from following these laws and ignoring the fact that they are selectively applied.
God’s chosen one — Obviously, our Great Leader Himself. You are free to doubt this, but if you say it out loud, you may find yourself in one of our glorious prisons that are not Concentration Camps.
The Bible — Sometimes also called The Holy Bible, it is a thick book containing many words, which Our King wields like a scepter.
Fake news — Refers to any report that der Führer does not like. Who are you going to believe: him, or your lying eyes?
It’s a hoax/it’s a witch hunt — Interchangeable phrases that refer to any reports that reflect badly on our leader in any way. Also used to refer to invisible germs that may or may not kill hundreds of thousands of Americans in a horrible way.
Shot while trying to escape — This phrase first came to popularity under Hitler and Stalin, who recognized that all criminals who are executed before their trials brought it upon themselves by stupidly trying to escape our beneficent custody. See also: Accidentally killed resisting arrest and Cardiopulmonary arrest complicating law enforcement subdual, restraint, and neck compression.
Call in our National Guard now — When the Emperor is bored, he likes to be entertained by white men sending people of color to the hospital or morgue. See also: The Hunger Games, Roman gladiators.
Just following orders — This phrase excuses all conduct of anyone in the regime, all the way up to the very top of the command chain and beyond. It is the political equivalent of a Hail, Mary.
We have it totally under control — Means, literally, “there is nothing to see here.”
Make America Great Again — Obviously, it means to return America to the rule of a King, who is a very stable genius and not mad at all.