Handy Dictionary of Conservative White Phrases and Their Meaning
Does it often feel like some people aren’t using language in the same way you are? Does it seem like the meanings of words depend on your point of view, particularly if your skin tone trends toward darker toast, as opposed to white bread? Do you feel that your worries and concerns, once articulated, turn into something else in the conservative white American’s mouth? Well, look no further. I, a woman as white as mayonnaise with strong hillbilly roots, can interpret for you.
All Lives Matter — Isn’t it obvious that all lives matter, and why are you making this all about black lives? What about white lives? If white lives don’t matter, then you’re the racist, and by the way, people die every day, so stop complaining.
Antifa — The one and only homegrown terrorist organization in the United States. They are responsible for all Violence and Looting.
Civil War — 1. The noble war against northern oppression that had nothing whatsoever to do with Slavery. An event that inspired many statues and monuments which, like the monuments to fascists and dictators past, should never be torn down. 2. A thing to look forward to, when all of the liberals are put where they belong: six feet under.
Democrats — 1. The fascists who are coming for us and our children in order to force us to be compassionate and kind to people who are different from us. 2. Mortal enemies of God. 3. Agents of Satan. See also: Commies, Reds, Socialists, Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and People we will kill in Civil War II.
Feminazi — Any uppity woman who denies her role, established by God almighty, to submit to the authority and wisdom of white men. Also, any woman who doesn’t want to bear twenty children or take her husband’s last name. See also: Lesbians, Gloria Steinem, Hillary Clinton, and Democrats.
Gays and lesbians — People who are both simultaneously confused and plotting to take over the world by making everyone enjoy decorating their homes and wearing comfortable shoes. See also: Agents of Satan.
George Soros — A rich man of Hungarian descent who diabolically controls every government and financial system on earth. He is responsible for every bad thing that happens to white Christians.
Hillary Clinton — The best and most reliable scapegoat for white patriarchy in modern history.
Jesus Christ — Our Lord and Savior, the Son of God, and a white man who understood the value of Caesar’s coin, the wisdom of charging people for healthcare, and the senselessness of being overly kind to people who clearly don’t deserve it. See also: Donald Trump.
Looting — Rampant theft that occurs every time a black person protests. This term never applies to billionaires and corporations who get lots of taxpayer money.
Mainstream media (MSM) — Fake news put out by people who disagree with us. See also: Liberal propaganda, Jewish media, and George Soros.
My best friend is black — I knew a black kid in 9th grade, and we talked a couple of times.
QAnon — A red-pilled conservative hero who is embedded in the Deep State and who doesn’t tweets government secrets, but rather hints at things which, if you’re clever and watch Alex Jones, you can unwind and journey through the rabbit hole to discover the actual horrible crimes being perpetrated against ordinary white folk. QAnon is definitely not a Russian bot.
Red-pilled — A conservative person who thinks they’re privy to the secrets of the man (George Soros) behind the curtain, whose dirty, globalist secrets are exposed daily by QAnon.
Russian bots — Hoaxes that seek to reelect Hillary Clinton.
Slavery — 1. A condition of servitude to benevolent white masters, who treat them just as sweetly as they would their Grandma. Also, something that was not at all responsible for the Civil War. 2. An awful, oppressive system of laws and rules that require white people to avoid plagues by staying home and wearing a mask in public.
Southern heritage — A fond remembrance of the great days of the south, when black people may have been enslaved but were totally happy, and white women were beloved as the fragile, but stupid, china figurines that they are. Men were men, women were women, and black people were neither.
Snowflakes — Liberal idiots who think that justice, compassion, and equality should play a role in society — an obviously stupid idea.
Violence — This is the worst thing ever, because it is always uniformly aimed at lawful, God-fearing white Christians, who never hurt anyone.
White blessings —The gifts of a civilization that was built by someone else, for free and under duress, for white people. This phrase has absolutely no connection with White privilege. See also: Black blessings. Just kidding! That is not a thing.
White privilege — A total hoax that doesn’t exist, because white people suffer.
Woke — Not asleep. If used for any other meaning, it must include air quotes: “That liberal fucktard thinks they’re ‘woke’.”