Rep. Jerry Nadler: In this hearing, which is not about impeachment, we will discuss other cases of impeachment, which may or may not have a bearing on the issues of today. We sincerely hope that these hearings are aired on more than C-SPAN, so that the public can duly observe just how relevant these hearings are to persons who may be residents in the White House. We must ask that if a helicopter crashes or yet another mass shooting occurs, that MSNBC just please hang in there. To that end, we have summoned the ghost of Richard Milhouse Nixon to testify. Do you have an opening statement, sir?
Nixon’s Ghost: I deeply regret that I was president in 1974 rather than in 2019.
Rep. Doug Collins: Where are priorities? Communists used to be the priorities. Tax cuts for the rich used to be the priorities. I’m a Republican. I believe in working hard to screw other people out of their money. I could have watched this on TV. Why are we here? Why are we hearing from the 70s?
Nixon’s Ghost: Nancy Pelosi has a ouija board.
Rep. Steve Chabot: When I was back in college, I voted for you, Mr. Nixon. I remember watching hearings that described you doing not-so-good things. And then you resigned. So I decided I would get into politics. Let me tell you my entire political history right now. It started with student body president…
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee: <Reads paragraphs from the Mueller Report in which Trump asks Rosenstein to fire Mueller> Now tell, me, Mr. Nixon, doesn’t this smell to high heaven of obstruction of justice?
Nixon’s Ghost: In my experience, obstruction of justice smells like roses that quickly fade and then turn necrotic.
Rep. Steve Cohen: What is your reaction to the phone calls between the president and White House attorney McGahn, in which Trump tried to get him to fire Mueller?
Nixon’s Ghost: It sounds like deja vu all over again.
Rep. Jim Jordan: We’ve got low unemployment, we’ve got the hostages back from North Korea, we’ve got super-low tax rates for rich people. When you criticized the Trump administration, were you thinking about the shiny new US embassy in Jerusalem? Were you thinking about our ultra-white neighborhoods after ICE raids?
Nixon’s Ghost: I never criticized Trump. I said that Jack Kennedy was a miserable grump.
Rep. Jim Jordan: Well, hang on. I’m not done trying to run this hearing off the rails. You said, “Those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.” Do you realize that that is counter to everything the Republican party stands for?
Nixon’s Ghost: Can I go now?
Rep. Matt Gaetz: Do you have any facts relevant to the Mueller Report? Why are you here? You’re making money off of this, aren’t you? How many angels dance on the head of a pin? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? Can we dim the lights, get a ouija board, and… oh, never mind.
Rep. Jamie Raskin: Clearly, you’re an honorable man. Why have you come forward now to talk about what is going on in the White House?
Nixon’s Ghost: I was pulled unwillingly from the ether, trapped in a circle of fire, and was forced to make a deal with Nancy Pelosi in exchange for my eventual release.
Rep. Jerry Nadler: Well, join the club. Now, is there any more nonimpeachment business we can perform?