For some of you, I’m God. For others of you, I’m a prophet. For others still, I’m a fairy tale. None of that fucking matters. I came back only to say that I am definitely not coming back.
Case in point: you media lot look skeptical. What made you think I wouldn’t be a short, Jewish man with very dark skin and black curly hair? Were you expecting Peter O’Toole? Ben “Obi-Wan” Kenobi? Here’s a fun fact: my fellow followers, some of whom were women, called me Rabbi.
Aside from all that, I just want to point out that the LAST TIME I was here, you killed me. And here I am, looking at all the governments of the world, which are now run by the same people I cast out of the Temple, and what do I see? Pharisees and Sadducees. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but these folks tend to dislike protesters. In fact, they keep passing laws to make it harder for you to protest things like, dunno, INEQUALITY and CLIMATE CHANGE. You know who else was a protester? ME.
You’ve had 2,000 years to fix this shit. And what have you done? You made my name into a swear word. Oh, I don’t mean the casual person who says, “Jesus Christ!” when they stub their toe. I mean the hypocrites who try to squeeze more money out of the poor or make laws that make it hard for the homeless to just BE. I mean the people who make the wars in my name, or who castigate people of other faiths or people who identify as gay or transgender. I mean the people who consistently foul this Garden as if they don’t need it to survive. I mean the people who literally bully others who supposedly follow me, just because they have different ideas about what that means. THOSE are the people who make my name a swear word in their mouths.
I was persecuted, my family had to flee from political violence. The people along the way who helped us were my true followers. But now? You build a wall and put people like me in cages. You put children in cages. And you claim that I would approve? You bring guns into my church, and you think I’d be okay with this?
I’ve got news for all of you, and believe me, you may not think it’s “Good News.” It is definitely not fake news. Folks, I wasn’t a Christian. I was a Jew. Christians did not exist in my day. A bunch of people made up that crap after they killed me. Paul didn’t know me. The people who tried to emulate my life were killed by the early Catholic church. True story, that. Look it up.
And listen up, because I did not “die for your sins.” I died because I was murdered, painfully and slowly. I died because you’re all too ignorant to live in peace with one another and to love one another. Which I commanded you to do! But no.
So you killed me, you killed my earliest followers, you have this weird belief that I’m Caucasian, and you think I’m going to come back to this planet and send everyone except the hypocrites to a hell that doesn’t exist? Does that about cover it? Including the Jews who won’t convert? You think I’m going to do that? You think I’m going to come back as I am, and that you really won’t kill me again?
PS: December 25th is not my birthday. I’m a Cancer. The pagans are right: you stole their holiday.