Paul Ryan’s Diary (An Excerpt)

Dear Ayn (may I call you Ayn? after all these years, Ms. Rand seems…too formal),

Today was the greatest day of my life. I finally, finally introduced a bill that will move selfishness forward. It isn’t perfect, even I will admit, because it helps far too many people, but at least it dials back the godawful giveaways to the undeserving that Obamacare initiated. My bill, at least, primarily gives to those who deserve it (long live John Galt)!

I know that much more work needs to be done. There are so many people who care about the needs of the rabble, it just boggles my mind. Social Security, Medicare… such abominations. Sink or swim, people! (That reminds me, I really need to invest in funeral homes. I see that as a growth industry.)

I cannot thank you enough for your affirmations that my own self-interest is what really matters. On that, Rand Paul and I agree, although he’s not happy with me right now. One thing at a time! We’re fighting bleeding heart liberals, here! I don’t know why they care so darn much about the poor and minorities. If minorities had any intellectual capacity, they’d be sitting where I am right now. Simple logic, right there. If you don’t want to die, then buy insurance! How hard is that? I paid my own way through college, after all! Some Hispanic would’ve just spent their Social Security money after losing their dad. But not me! I’m smart that way.

I do have to confess, Ayn, that I was worried about Trump at first. Some of his ideas seemed awfully liberal on the campaign trail. But now that I’ve worked with him, he’s obviously just as self-interested as I am, and that is so refreshing after Obama. The rich people are rich because they’re just better than everyone else. I love rich people. I want to be that rich. I want a gold-plated potty just because.

The future is bright, Ayn. The day is coming when the lazy do-nothing blacks and brown whatevers will be stuck with their own consequences of not being white and rich. Sink or swim. If they sink, we can further reduce government. I think some of the white people will sink, too, honestly. It’s all the mixing that’s gone on. Nothing to do about it. Doesn’t affect me! God, that is the greatest feeling, Ayn. Talk about freedom! Every man is an island unto himself. I’m not obligated to anyone!

Thank you so much for your insights, Ayn. All those years in the Catholic church could have ruined me, absolutely. “Helping the poor and hungry” and all that, yadda yadda. That’s the kind of talk that gets you crucified. I want to live and get all I can while I can. If global warming really exists, it won’t affect me. So who cares?

That’s it for now, Ayn. I have so much to do to funnel more money to my rich friends. At least they know how to spend it, right? The poor are so irresponsible. Wish me luck on gutting taxes and the other entitlement programs! I have my pension and healthcare for life, so it’s not a problem for me!

“God” bless you, Ayn. Ha ha, just kidding. I know there is no god, just hard, cold reality.

With gratitude,

By Unknown — Metropolitan Museum of Art, online database: entry 435904 as Still Life with a Skull and a Writing Quill (accession number: 49.107), Public Domain,

Writer, painter, cat fancier, troublemaker, democratic socialist, & antifascist.

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