Paul Ryan’s Diary: I Hate Donald

Dear Ayn,

I hate Donald Trump. I can’t believe that a genius like me has to work with that ancient moron. He tweets out, “Watch Judge Jeanine!” And then that Pirro rhymes-with-witch woman goes on about how I should resign as Speaker. Unbelievable, Ayn. First, the dolt doesn’t contribute any ideas for a healthcare replacement, so I do all the work, the Freedom Caucus won’t support it, but everything is my fault. I should withhold my genius, just like in your book, and see how long before they all fall to pieces.

I really hate Donald Trump. Privately, we call him “Donald Rump” in the house because he’s such a jackass. Speaking of jackasses, I wouldn’t put it past him to work with them on a healthcare plan. He used to be in favor of universal healthcare. Universal healthcare, Ayn! My goodness, he’d really give it all away to the dregs of society. Amazing.

I do hate Donald Trump. I do. And yet. I admit that I like his ideas of kicking out the Mexicans. And of men being the ones to run the show. And understanding which class of people is the best, Ayn. Though maybe that’s all Bannon. It’s hard to tell where Trump ends and Bannon begins. Here’s a fun thing: using Bannon makes the Banana fana song a lot of fun. Reince Priebus is best at singing it without messing it up. Who knew?

I hate Donald Trump. He reminds me of my dad, which reminds me that he DIED and left us poor and on Social Security. How humiliating for someone like me. My family isn’t lazy and worthless! I can’t wait to abolish it forever so that no one has to go through what I did. So much shame. Honestly, Ayn, it’s better if people just die if they’re going to be lazy bloodsuckers. That’s when I lost my faith, too. No God would make me endure such a travesty. Only you make sense to me now, Ayn. You and your godless objectivism. That’s reality, right there. I think even Donald feels that way, if he’d admit to it. Which he can’t, of course. That would be political death. So we have to keep pretending, all of us.

I think I’ll finish up today by lighting a candle for you, Ayn. I may even slaughter a goat.


Reince Priebus singing “Banana fana” with Steve Bannon. By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Steve Bannon & Reince Priebus)

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