Paul Ryan’s Diary (Mission sorta accomplished?)

Dear Ayn,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been so busy pushing the GINORMOUS tax cut for the corporate elite, and then I actually had to work on getting some kind of budget bill. It turned out to be waaay too generous to all the leeches, but that’s the Democrats for you. The good news is that the federal deficit is going to break a TRILLION this year! And you know what that means: killing the social safety net.

Well, it would mean that, except…

I have to tell you, Ayn, that I have never been so frustrated. Here we are, with the GOP holding all three branches of government for the first time in years! But we have Captain Moron in the White House (I’m borrowing the phrase from Rex Tillerson — we went drinking together not that long ago). This man is no John Galt, Ayn. In fact… he might be the guy who ends it all. We may all yet meet at Galt’s Gulch. At least I’ll know everybody there. I told the wife to make sure she keeps a bag packed, just in case.

But the really, really bad news, Ayn, is that I’m quitting. I’m not going to run for office again. I have two stupid working-class people running against me as Democrats, an actual Nazi as a Republican (who might actually beat me, at this point), and nothing looks good for the midterms. Not. A. Damn. Thing. And why? Because of Baldy MacToupeeFace. He’s sinking us, Ayn. I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

For years, all we had to do was say, “Low taxes! Cut spending! No gay marriage! No abortion!” and let white guys know that we know that we’re the ones on top of this pyramid, and we’re the only ones gonna keep them there. Bring me a beer, little woman! Ha ha. Well, except for you, Ayn. Obviously.

I had such high hopes for Trump. I thought if we just ignored the 50,000 controversies and tweets, we could shove our agenda onto the country. But he changes his mind every five minutes. He’s starting a trade war, Ayn. A TRADE WAR. Do you know what that’s doing to my stock? How am I supposed to retire in Martha’s Vineyard if this keeps up?

I don’t want you to think I’m giving up, Ayn. I have a bunch of offers from very conservative groups who want me to come write legislation that we can push on red legislatures in every state. It’s the big picture, Ayn. Death by a thousand cuts, that kind of thing. And I’ll make more money. I know you’d approve of that.

I’m still living the dream. I know we can kill every humanitarian thing the government does, if we simply work hard, trust, and have faith in you and the power of objectivism. Even if the world dies tomorrow, we can always count on our own selfishness.


By Ryan_VP_announcement.jpg: Tony Alterderivative work: Gobonobo — This file was derived fromRyan VP announcement.jpg:, CC BY 2.0,

Writer, painter, cat fancier, troublemaker, democratic socialist, & antifascist.

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