Republican Jesus Explains the Budget

Howdy, Christians! (If you’re not following me on Twitter and everywhere else, you’re going to hell, which is newly improved with HUGE bonfires.)

There is so much confusion about Trump’s budget, so let me clarify it for you. When my man Mick explains that it’s compassionate, that’s because it is! It is so darned compassionate to the military industrial complex elites, who need the money to send their kids to Harvard and buy that yacht. Here’s at ya, guys!

But okay, it’s not just about industry, although I do LOVE industry. Back in the day, I gave a big thumbs up to those Roman road-builders and aqueduct designers. Who doesn’t love running water?

Now, I know you’re going to talk about the poor, because rumor has it that I was always talking about the poor. And I was! Though I may have been a little misquoted from time to time. When I said, “Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” I wasn’t kidding around. The kingdom of heaven is ALL they’re getting! Because they just aren’t the suck-ups that rich people are. Let’s face it, if you want more bennies in this life, you know whom to ask. That’s right, just talk about me all over the place, and I will make sure that you get what’s coming to you.

The poor will have less food on this budget, it is true. They might lose their housing. They might not be able to afford daycare for their kids. They may have no healthcare whatsoever. But here’s where the compassion comes in: when they DO earn money for food, they’ll be so grateful, and whom will they thank? Me! If they’re homeless, why, they’ll remember that I was homeless, so they’ll go wander out in the desert, meet Satan, then spurn him. If they can’t put their kids in daycare, well, the women can just stay home and not eat with them. And as for healthcare, they’ll learn to pray harder, which everyone knows makes you a better person.

Some of you liberals are probably thinking, “Gosh, with so much hardship, the poor will despair.” Hogwash! Job did not despair, he just kept letting my dad punch him in the gut. Ha ha, it was really funny, actually. It would have made a great satire, except of course, nothing is satire in the Bible. Anyway, if some of the poor despair too much and kill themselves, well, they’ll just inherit the kingdom faster. Win-win!

The nice thing about this budget is that it really shows what my followers are made of. We compassionately take stuff away from them, they buy their own bootstraps, then struggle a bit, then struggle some more until they die. But they never give up hope. They just keep taking it, day after day after day, believing that something good will come of it all. And it does! I have the best-dressed mouthpieces in the world.

So don’t fret about the poor. They’re fine. And you know, they’ll always be with us, because that’s the way we operate.

photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Writer, painter, cat fancier, troublemaker, democratic socialist, & antifascist.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store