I did it! I landed the plane! I actually WILLINGLY retired from the DOJ! I wasn’t fired by Tweet! Oh, my God, my reputation is still intact. I can make six figures working for an oil company or Fox News or a lobbying firm. I am SO relieved. And I thought this day would never come. It has been a long haul, and I totally DESERVE this 80-year-old Scotch.
Just between the two of us, I was really scared when I first took the job. I thought it would be a little out of the ordinary, but I had NO IDEA that Trump was such a nutcase. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to suggest the wire thing to McCabe. I thought surely I was going to get fired by Tweet after that came out. Stupid book! Why is everybody making money off of book contracts except me?
Hmmm, should I write a book? If I do, should it be pro-Trump? That would keep him on my good side. Though maybe a tell-all would make more money. Decisions, decisions. Maybe I’ll flip a coin on it.
It was really hard walking the line at Justice, I have to say. Supporting the law and not supporting the law at the same time is easier said than done. I had to stand behind Barr at that news conference and keep a straight face. I think I should get an Oscar for that. Man, who knew being an attorney could be so hard?
Well, I’m just glad it’s all over and that we can laugh about it, joke about it. All those times I thought I’d have to resign or be fired. It took a lot of lying and sucking up to accomplish it, but I did, lol. The Department of Justice will probably never be the same again. Oh, well.
That reminds me, though. I should call up my pals at Mar-a-Lago. Trump said he’d give me a good deal on the membership fees.