It’s about time that we liberals admitted the truth: we do have a plot to destroy America as we know it. (Corollary: the LGBT community also has a plot to infiltrate American society, get married, and move in next door to you and keep impeccable lawns and brightly colored houses. But I digress.)
The liberal plot has many details, and the liberal mainstream media has frankly sucked at making a case for all of them, or we would have changed America already, but I will expose it all for you now, point by point.
Yes, we want to socialize your medicine, and we want the government to run it. If any citizen gets sick, all they would have to do is go to the doctor/facility of their choice, and get it addressed. No bills. No haggling with insurance. It just gets done. I know what you’re thinking, though: you may have to wait a couple of weeks or months for surgery if it’s not urgent, although, actually, you probably do that now, so… It is a horrible, horrible thing that you would not be able to look down at those poor people in the ER, waiting to get their broken limb fixed. In fact, they might not even be in the ER if they have a primary physician. But obviously, missing the chance to sit smugly with your insurance card while the rabble use rabbit eyes in the hopes that someone will heal them without putting them in bankruptcy is a huge problem for the right. As would be the missed opportunity for wealthy conservatives to profit hugely from healthcare and buy medical debt and harass people for the rest of their lives.
Yes, liberals are believers in free public schooling, and it’s all our fault that we have such a thing. We naively believe that citizens in a democracy should be educated and capable of thinking, which is clearly anticorporate and anticapitalist. The moment that people start to think for themselves, the more likely they are to start their own businesses and vote in their own interests, rather than the interests of a moneyed elite. Horrifying. We also believe that children should not be pressed into any particular religion and that the separation of church and state that those liberal founders created is a good idea. In fact, it is a prime belief of ours that religious education should come from Sunday school, not public school. We are all going to hell.
Liberals want the government to do way more than you want it to. We want the government to build roads, bridges, and infrastructure. I know, the idea of paying different private companies a toll on every road and bridge they build sounds SO GOOD, but liberals think otherwise. Our roads and bridges would be free for anyone to use, even people who didn’t pay taxes. Crazy, right?
We also believe in public fire departments, public police, public libraries, and public parks. All subsidized by the government and free to use. Now, I know that some people would rather do a pay-for-service thing, so if your neighbor’s house burns down, they would be obligated to refund the fire department, and you wouldn’t have to pay a dime. It sounds really awesome (unless it’s your house that burns down, of course). But, again — liberal plot.
Liberals have a cynical side, it’s true. We tend to think that private companies might not always do the right thing when it comes to making money. It’s cheaper to tear up habitats and pump toxic junk into the air and water, after all, and we have a list of times in which companies did exactly that. Conservatives, bless them, are more trusting and just assume that everything will be fine as long as the government doesn’t stick its nose into how businesses operate. And I’m willing to concede that perhaps the conservative constitution is just stronger than a liberal one. A liberal, when exposed to toxic water, food, air, and waste, might get sick and even die. Perhaps toxic pollutants make a conservative stronger, like the Toxic Avenger. I wouldn’t know. But we do believe in protecting our environment as kind of a shared responsibility, since we know that some of us aren’t superhuman.
Science is for sure a liberal plot. It all started with Galileo, who bucked the authority of the church and didn’t give a damn who knew it. Liberals believe that the world can be studied, that thoughtful observations and experiments over time, with peer review, can lead us to understand our world and our place in it. And we will just come out and say that science is what made the moon landing possible (yes, we believe we landed on the moon, and that the earth is round), along with the entire technological age we inhabit, right down to the smartphone and the Internet.
We also believe that there is such a thing as facts. Now, we acknowledge that sometimes facts interfere with some people’s beliefs, but we put more weight on the facts, and we try to square them with our beliefs (for example, God may have created the earth, but evolution was the method). By doing so, we think that we can have a consensus that the sky is blue, at least on a sunny day at noon. We believe that when science says we’re causing climate change, then it’s really happening, and that this isn’t fake news. In short, we believe in a fact-based society, not a belief-based free-for-all. You may now shudder.
We know that conservatives love their religion. But did you know that liberals can appreciate religion, too? I know that you think we’re all godless heathens, but that’s just some of us. Religion can be a force for good. However, liberals tend to believe that having someone else tell us what we must do or must believe kinda infringes on our rights to think for ourselves and make our own choices. If you never want to cut your hair, or have your women wear dresses all the time, or not use birth control, well, we think you should go to town, if the women have bought in. Have those 12 kids, and socialized healthcare will help you out. But if we decide we’d rather do some family planning and use birth control or wear short-shorts, while sleeping in on Sunday mornings, then we should be allowed to. Because — prepare yourself — we believe in freedom, too.
I know that conservatives think that this entire liberal plot is anti-freedom, because companies should be free to pollute and not pay any taxes at all, which I get. Liberals perversely think that a society that doesn’t support the basics for a happy, healthy, productive life tends to translate into the freedom to be poor, hungry, and homeless, at least for some folks. I know that conservatives believe this is just due to people being lazy, but liberals have observed that many poor people work superhard all the time and still die poor, while some rich people inherit their wealth while never doing anything to earn it. Liberals also look at hungry children and homeless veterans and feel compassion for that, which is why we get called “bleeding heart” liberals all the time. Maybe it’s our love affair with Science that makes us think that sometimes shit happens, and people need help. That maybe that person isn’t just lazy or blighted by a man living in the sky who decided he doesn’t like his attitude. So yeah, we think that everybody should have access to some freedom, and not just the lucky few.
We also agree that there are areas that aren’t the government’s business, like who we love, who we sleep with, what kind of birth control we use, or changing the gender on our birth certificates. So we’re not sure why that continues to be a problem.
Liberals, as a group, tend to like all kinds of people. White people, brown people, black people, red people, yellow people, plaid people, Christian people, Muslim people, Jewish people, Buddhist people, Hindu people, pagan people, atheist people, gay people, straight people, intersex people, trans people, basically anyone with human DNA. Also, nonhuman DNA. We love animals. I know how supremely scary this is, to have strange people with weird ideas and customs showing up in your neighborhood sometimes. And if you like everybody, whom do you blame when things go to hell? It’s a real quandary, and one we’d like to solve by working together, even with conservatives. Which naturally has the horrible result that we all will have to deal with different music, different clothing, different skin tones, and ethnic stores all over the place, offering up falafel and things you never heard of. But here’s our secret: liberals like to eat foreign foods. In fact, we like it so much, that some people get annoyed and say we appropriate them. And I admit that I have made falafel in my own home.
Because we like all kinds of people, we perversely believe that all of us should be given equal treatment by the law, by schools, by our employers, by the government, and just in everyday conversation at the checkout lines. I know what you’re going to say, conservative. Who the hell do we look down on if we go around espousing this radical idea? Here’s where it gets worse: we don’t believe anyone should look down on anyone else. We actually believe that one person is not better than another. We think — maybe you should have a seat — that elevating some classes and lowering others is unjust and undemocratic.
We don’t want to take away your guns. Really. Some of us have even owned them. But we do think that there are things that gun manufacturers can do to make them safer, and we do think that background checks are a good idea. We also think that folks with a record of domestic abuse should maybe lose their license to own one, just like some people lose their driver’s licenses when they get drunk and kill people with a car. We like little kids (see above, People), and we think that disturbed people having the ready ability to go shoot up an elementary school is problematic. We also think that studying the problem (see above, Science) might give us some ideas about how to deal with gun violence. Crazy thought.
Here’s where the liberal plot gets all too real. We want to tax your income. Not all of it. Not an unreasonable amount. If you’re poor, we won’t tax you at all. But if you have oodles of money in different banks and shit on golden toilets, we want you to pay more taxes because we’re pretty sure you’re not going to suffer and go hungry by doing so.
Okay, why do we advocate this horrible, evil thing? Well, it’s how we pay for every other part of our no-good agenda. All those things that everyday citizens get for free? All of the things that make our society livable, like good roads, schools, fire and police protection, parks, a clean environment, and that socialized healthcare that won’t send you into bankruptcy cost something. We have to pay firemen, road builders, and doctors or they go hungry. You don’t want them to go hungry, right? Or little kids? Poor kids getting a free school lunch? (Yes, we want that, too.) In short, we think that since we’re a society, we should look out for one another a little, and taxes are the means of paying for things we all benefit from. And we really want to tax big businesses who, by virtue of loopholes and offshore accounts, pay practically nothing. Because we think, foolishly perhaps, that they benefit from all these things, too.
So there you have it. The entire liberal plot to destroy everything. A more just society is our goal. We can’t deny it. No, we don’t want a Civil War over it. We don’t hate you. We just want to improve the lives of lots of people. That’s how we see it, anyway. We don’t think that giving help to someone means that someone else will have to suffer for it. The pie is pretty large, actually. We’d like everyone to get their fair share, and if you’re lucky and a hard worker, sure, you can have an extra piece. Go for it. We won’t stop you.