Hey, heathens. It’s me, Republican Jesus, here to impart to you the Good News of the right-wing message I’ve been whispering into the ears of televangelists, conservative think-tank members, white nationalists, and Dominionists like Betsy DeVos and Ted Cruz for decades now. So listen up! If I actually return, there will be a quiz!
I know the libtard Matthew said I said:
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”
But what I actually meant was that it was easier for a camel to be rich than for a person who labored with a needle to be rich. Matthew screwed up again when said I said:
“If you would be perfect, go and sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have riches in heaven; and come, be My disciple.”
No, no, no. What I meant was, sell everything you have, and then GIVE THAT MONEY TO ME. This is why Franklin Graham and Joel Osteen are so rich. If you do it in MY NAME, then you’re good. So please stop taxing the rich, and send in your checks.
I know all the theories about Mary Magdalen and myself. Guess what! They’re true. I married that bitch, raped her when I liked, and made sure she knew how to keep the hut clean. Women should get their biscuits in the oven and their buns in the bed. I think a Jew said that. Whack ’em around a little, won’t hurt ’em. Don’t let ’em talk back. And DEFINITELY don’t let them have birth control. Do that, and they’ll start feeling empowered. Weigh ’em down with kids.
If my step-daddy had been smart, he would’ve consolidated his carpentry business with every other carpenter in town, created a vast monopoly, hiked up his prices, and made a fortune. He then would have created a tax shelter in Persia. Dammit, talk about missed opportunities.
Again, bleeding-heart Matthew said I got angry at the money-changers in the Temple. Idiot. I couldn’t believe that they were charging such low interest rates! Are you kidding me? Usurers, do it right. Charge 32% at least.
Obviously, the interests of big business and the owners of capital have precedence over the needs of their community. They earned it, right? Who cares if some poor schmucks built the roads and water system or grew their food? You can always pave the roads with poor people.
By the way, this brings me to…
My Dad created this planet, and if big businesses mess it up in the name of huge profits, well, He can always start over. No biggie. Besides, pollution reaps profits. If people get sick, they have to get healthcare, which costs money. See where I’m going with this? If fossil fuels get scarce, people will have to pay more for heating. It’s all good, people.
Yes, yes, I CAN heal people. Obviously. I’m the Son of God. But the real question is, “Should I?” Do they deserve to be healed? Have they been working hard enough for the Man? (That’s me, by the way.) Or have they been lying around, waiting for someone to feed them “because they’re hungry?” Anyone has the chance to work four jobs. They should do it.
My disciples were such morons. Clearly, no one in the Middle East is any good, Samaritans or otherwise. Just the white people from Europe that none of them had ever met. Oh, and I’m not Jewish. My mother came from Sweden. It’s a long story. You’ll just have to trust me on this.
The only thing any of my disciples got right was the thing about cursing the fig tree. Kudos to Mark for putting it in. I actually cursed lots of things, every day: the rain, the moon (for shining in my window — that’s why it’s dead), ants, lizards, goats, sheep, asses, people. You get the idea. When you’re God, you get to smite things. It’s fun! I’d say try it, but you’re not me.
Compassion is for wusses and weaklings. I never said that “the meek shall inherit the earth.” What I said was, “the Sheikh shall inherit the earth,” because he has all the oil. Duh.
In short, caring about others is a communist conspiracy, and if you start, pretty soon, you’ll be enjoying it and spreading love and understanding everywhere. And if you do that, guess what? NO APOCALYPSE.
Yes, I tell all my true followers about the Apocalypse. It’s good PR. Also, the Antichrist character is really helpful in drumming up support for conservative ideas. It gives people something to be afraid of.
As for the Rapture, well, it might not really work out quite so literally. I mean, Earth is pretty shitty at the moment, thanks to all of the stuff big business has (rightfully!) done to the environment, and there are other planets I’d rather visit right now. Better beaches, know what I’m sayin’? Without plastic all over ’em. So, I’m thinking about sending over a Mother Ship to pick up the faithful one day. If I don’t forget. It’s not like I really care about any of ’em. I might let ’em fend for themselves. Which is what a true conservative would do, after all.