The Gospel According to Republican Jesus

Hey, heathens. It’s me, Republican Jesus, here to impart to you the Good News of the right-wing message I’ve been whispering into the ears of televangelists, conservative think-tank members, white nationalists, and Dominionists like Betsy DeVos and Ted Cruz for decades now. So listen up! If I actually return, there will be a quiz!

The Rich

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!”

But what I actually meant was that it was easier for a camel to be rich than for a person who labored with a needle to be rich. Matthew screwed up again when said I said:

“If you would be perfect, go and sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have riches in heaven; and come, be My disciple.”

No, no, no. What I meant was, sell everything you have, and then GIVE THAT MONEY TO ME. This is why Franklin Graham and Joel Osteen are so rich. If you do it in MY NAME, then you’re good. So please stop taxing the rich, and send in your checks.


Big Business

Again, bleeding-heart Matthew said I got angry at the money-changers in the Temple. Idiot. I couldn’t believe that they were charging such low interest rates! Are you kidding me? Usurers, do it right. Charge 32% at least.

Obviously, the interests of big business and the owners of capital have precedence over the needs of their community. They earned it, right? Who cares if some poor schmucks built the roads and water system or grew their food? You can always pave the roads with poor people.

By the way, this brings me to…

The Environment




Compassion is for wusses and weaklings. I never said that “the meek shall inherit the earth.” What I said was, “the Sheikh shall inherit the earth,” because he has all the oil. Duh.

In short, caring about others is a communist conspiracy, and if you start, pretty soon, you’ll be enjoying it and spreading love and understanding everywhere. And if you do that, guess what? NO APOCALYPSE.

The Apocalypse

As for the Rapture, well, it might not really work out quite so literally. I mean, Earth is pretty shitty at the moment, thanks to all of the stuff big business has (rightfully!) done to the environment, and there are other planets I’d rather visit right now. Better beaches, know what I’m sayin’? Without plastic all over ’em. So, I’m thinking about sending over a Mother Ship to pick up the faithful one day. If I don’t forget. It’s not like I really care about any of ’em. I might let ’em fend for themselves. Which is what a true conservative would do, after all.

It is absolutely NOT TRUE that I was crucified for being a jerk.

Writer, painter, cat fancier, troublemaker, democratic socialist, & antifascist.

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