Everybody is misinterpreting the whole “alt-right” “white nationalist” thing. People, we have a culture, and it is under THREAT. From black and brown people and Muslims, mostly. So lemme explain what exactly we stand to lose. Lemme define “white culture.”
In Germany, Bavarians wear leather pants and funny socks and drink beer! They sing along with accordions! That’s white culture, right there. And, uh, they still do it, actually. Just not in the US of A.
The Irish celebrate St. Paddy’s day and get drunk! Actually, I think that’s in the US. The Irish don’t really like that. But they have a parade! I think they do. They must, you know. And they sing “Oh, Danny Boy” a lot. That’s white culture! Well, it is now, even if it wasn’t always.
The English, uh. Well, they drink tea at 4pm every day. It’s their culture! And they have little cookies. And they, um, sing “God Save the Queen.” Which is a different song in the US, but we still sing it! Though we don’t really drink that much tea. Except in the South! Where it’s iced and we argue about whether or not it should have sugar in it.
France has white culture! They gave us french fries. I’m pretty sure. Very important white culture contribution! Hamburgers wouldn’t be the same with them!
Italians didn’t used to be white culture, but now they are, especially the northern, lighter-skinned Italians. Pizza! It’s white culture!
Spain! Spain is… um, Scotland! Scots are white! They like beer, just like the Germans and the Irish! And the men wear… uh, in the US, we wear blue jeans! Blue jeans are definitely white culture!
Russia! Russia is now white culture, in spite of their weird alphabet. They’re Christians there! Although their church is a little weird. But still. They like vodka! Which, uh, has increased in popularity here over time.
And white Americans have a shared culture! We like Moon Pies! Maybe just the South. We like mayonnaise! White bread! None of that rye bread crap that the Germans eat. Wait…
We celebrate Christmas! We’re Christians, and we put up great big, tacky trees in our houses and wait for a red elf to bring presents to our kids! And this has no resemblance to pagan rites anywhere, at any time, but if it did, that would be white culture, too.
We love country music! That is so white. Except when we like rock ‘n roll. Which is less white. But Elvis. ELVIS. White culture, right there. And Las Vegas. We’re capitalists. We believe in exploiting other people for financial gain! We invented black slavery! Now we just, you know, take advantage of poor white people, too. HEY. Anyone can do it. It’s called opportunity.
Losing the Civil War! That is white culture! Yes, we lost to white Yankees. Who won. But our monuments to rebel leaders. Those are SO white. Without them, we’d probably have dog statues or some such shit.
Obviously, Christmas, mayo, white bread, country music, pizza, french fries, beer, and blue jeans are ALL under threat. Without white people to make them, wear them, and eat them, what horrible place would the world be? We have to protect our culture from the evils of burritos, hip-hop, and margaritas. Though those can be, you know, pretty good. But BEER. We have to protect beer! It’s under threat! Can’t you SEE?