We Don’t Want No Government Aid

I know ya’ll liberals believe in climate change and helping people who don’t deserve it, so let me just set the record straight right now: we don’t need your help. I know that a big-ass hurricane is coming ashore and gonna dump three or four feet of rain on us all at once, but we’re Texans, and we’re conservative, and we can manage just fine without you, thanks. Like Saint Ronnie said:

We’re cowboy country down here, and we’ve been fine without your help for a long time. We’re practically our own country, anyway, so who needs the feds? I know they sent a combined $3.56 billion dollars for Katrina, Rita, Ike, and Dolly, but we didn’t need it. If a hurricane hit our ancestors, they’d just rebuild the log cabin themselves. No hand-outs, thank you very much. And when it comes to cleanin’ up after the storm, we’ll all just rebuild our own houses and pitch in to repair the roads, sewers, and electrical lines for free, because we don’t need government money. Our bosses won’t care! Businesses can rebuild themselves, and schools and community buildings, well, they can wait awhile, I guess. It’s Texas. We can teach Creationism in the parking lot.

So go away, you goody-two-shoes liberals who think we need you. We don’t. If sea levels did rise (not sayin’ they will, and definitely not sayin’ there’s such a thing as climate change), we’ll just move our houses inland by ourselves, even if we have to tote it all the way to San Antonio. And if the poor people are too stupid to buy renters’ insurance, I ain’t got no sympathy. “Oh, I need to feed my kids!” Bullshit. You’re just too lazy to work four jobs.

So take your aid money, your food stamps, your Social Security, your Medicare, and NASA, too. We’ve got oil, and we’re gonna drill it til we choke to death on exhaust. The land may dry up and burn, the sea may move inland, and we may get lots more hurricanes, but we’ll be just fine without your help. Now excuse me, I’ve got a BBQ and a Trump rally to attend.

Editor’s note: While this perspective has been made very clear to me repeatedly of late, this liberal is still willing to lend a helping hand to anyone in need after any storm, anywhere. Stay safe.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store